A Moment in the Rain
by WitchJuliana
Summary: Sequel to "A Pedestal Hero No More". If being a hero meant dealing with the guilt that comes from both sides of her double life, then she wished she had never touched that stupid box from the get-go.
1. Chapter 1

She would think that after a few weeks or so, the guilt would go away. That she would get over the whole incident and see that her actions were justified, needed even. That there was no other way to do it.

But then the doubt hits her, and then the guilt returns and she wonders, did she really have to do it that way? Did she have to pretend that she was dead for that short period?

Marinette had managed to make so many cry over her presumed death in a short period of time - Alya, her parents, her classmates… Adrien. It wasn't fair how she left them like that, screaming and crying and demanding justice for her death, justice from the negligent hero who couldn't save one girl from a crumbling building.

The anger and hate she felt from Chat Noir was justified. It felt like she deserved it, even though she knew that there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had to go after Sul-Fury, and he wasn't there to help her, so there was no way for her to actually transform back into Marinette and reassure everyone that she was okay. She didn't have the time for it, and a lot of her wanted to blame Chat, that it was all because of him that she couldn't risk the time to reappear as clumsy, bumbling, ALIVE Marinette.

But she couldn't. She couldn't blame her partner, because in the end, he was crying too, even if he didn't show his tears to her. He wouldn't show his tears to Ladybug, at least.

She still remembers Chat coming to her place at night and hugging her tight, begging for forgiveness and crying his heart out for not saving her earlier.

The guilt weighs heavy in her.

"Marinette, we have to go." Tikki gently pushes her cheek, trying to coax her charge to move. But Marinette stays limply in one spot, letting her guilt wrack her mind. "Marinette, you'll get sick if we stay here any longer!"

She sighs softly, the soft pattering of the rain surrounding her as she remains seated on the wet bench. Usually, she'd be running home through the rain, but today just wasn't a good day for her. Madame Mendeleiev scolded her again for messing up her experiment, Alya was home sick, and she had to deal with Chloe's bratty comments all day long (even if Adrien intervened whenever he could, Chloe was still a master at being a pest). It didn't help that she ended up spilling her drink all over her white ( _white!_ ) shirt while Adrien was walking by.

She is a mess. Literally and figuratively.

"Sorry, Tikki. Just let me sit here a little longer."

"But you don't even have an umbrella!"

It only made sense that she had forgotten her umbrella on a day that was forecasted to be rainy. For someone who holds power over luck, she is failing to drag in even an ounce of it for herself. She looks down at her shirt and groans. Maybe the rain will wash the stains out.

Maybe the rain will wash her guilt away too.

She wants to get out of the rain, but she just couldn't muster the energy to do so. It is cold, wet, and her clothes stick uncomfortably close to her skin. She watches as the rain slides down her soaked arm, and she sniffles lightly.

The raindrops remind her too much of tears.

Nobody would notice if she cries in the rain, right? It is cliché and stupid, but there isn't a better chance for her to release her pent up guilt than to cry in the rain. Tears stream down her cheek as she relishes the strange bliss that comes from the contrasting feel of hot against cold. Tikki lets out a soft squeak, and she barely registers her zipping back into her bag. She sniffles again and is met with a voice clearing his throat.

"Excuse me, but I think a princess such as yourself shouldn't be sitting in the rain like this, no?" She jumps a foot into the air, taken completely by surprise by the familiar cocky tone of her partner. Damn, this is just her luck. No wonder Tikki disappeared so quickly. She quickly wipes her tears away and looks up at him. The smile that is on his face quickly vanishes as he takes in the sight of her face. Double damn, it is obvious she had been crying too.

"Ch-Chat," and her voice is _cracking too_ , "what are you, um, d-doing here?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing, princess." He kneels down so that he could see her face better and gently cups her face. "It's getting pretty late out, and here I am finding you crying in the rain. Did someone break your heart? I'll punish them for you!" She laughs weakly and shakes her head. He is oddly protective of her after the incident, but she supposes it made sense. It is just surprising how much worth he put on her, considering the fact that they only "met" once or twice before.

"No, just… been having a bad day." His eyes flicker across her face before he gives her a gentle smile. He's been doing that a lot more too, treating her like she's fragile.

She's not fragile.

She pushes his hand away and stands up.

"Going home? Maybe I can escort you back." A spark of irritation flares up inside her.

"I can go back by myself. I'll be fine."

"It could be dangerous."

"I said I'll be fine."

"Princess-"

"Stop it!" She whirls on her heel to snap at him, tears coming back at full force as he backs up in shock. "Just, stop it! I said I'll be fine, so why won't you just leave me be?" She hiccups softly and wipes away her tears vigorously. "I said I'll be fine…"

"...Marinette." He said her name for the first time. "Look, I don't…" He sighs and rubs his arm awkwardly. "I'm just… worried, alright?"

"Well, you don't have to be. Because I'm fine. It's not like I'm going to disappear-"

"But you did, once."

"But I came back! I'm still here!" She stomps her foot childishly, splashing water onto her legs as she clenches her fists in frustration. "I'm alive and here, and I just wish people would stop treating me like I'm going to die if they turn around for a second!" She turns her back to him, hugging herself tightly as she begins to walk home. Chat is right, it is starting to get late, and the streetlights are starting to illuminate the area around them. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home. _By myself_." Her footsteps echo in fading light, and once she arrives home, her parents flock her with towels and codling, codling that she allows because there is in fact, a high chance that she'll end up sick with the amount of time she spent in the rain. She lets Tikki rest in her room, bundled up in blankets as she takes some time for herself.

When she makes her way up to her roof, the rain gone and herself freshly showered and clothed, she's only somewhat surprised that Chat had made his way to her house and was waiting for her to appear.

Of course.

"Chat."

"Princess."

"Why are you here?"

"To check up on you."

"You really didn't need to."

"And why is that? It'd be bad for a gentleman to leave a lady alone after making her cry."

"I didn't take you to be a gentleman." But she sighs anyway and sits down, the cat-themed hero leaping down from his perch on the roof to settle in next to her. She grunts and shoves him a bit, making him laugh.

"Harsh words from the lady. But, in all seriousness, are you okay?" He watches her with concern, making her sigh (she's been doing that a lot lately) and shrug.

"I mean, I guess you already saw me cry twice, so no. I'm not okay."

"Is it alright if I ask why?"

"Well, you kinda are."

"But you don't have to answer it."

"I guess."

"Can I ask more questions?" She sighs.

"You really are a cat, aren't you."

"Only the best kind." He gives her a wink, to which she responds with an eye roll. "So, why were you crying when I found you?"

"Had a lot of stuff on my mind."

"Did it have to do with school?"

"Only a little."

"Will you tell me what was bothering you?"

"It's better if I don't."

"And why's that?"

 _Because I'm Ladybug._

"Because it's a secret." He crinkles his nose at that comment and pouts.

"Does it have to exclude me?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Unfortunately?" He leans in close to her face, grinning mischievously. "Does that mean you want to tell me anyway?" She rolls her eyes and pushes him away by the nose.

"Maybe."

"I'll take what I get."

"Alright." The conversation fades, so she looks up at the night sky and counts what stars she sees. The city lights make it near impossible to see any stars, so she likes to count and see which nights have the most stars. She's halfway through the sky when she realizes that Chat is still there, sitting next to her and staring up at the sky. Looking towards him, he has a distant look on his face, a small frown that graces his features as though he is recalling something. It's only when he reaches for her hand that she realizes what he's thinking about.

The guilt comes back, and she looks down towards the ground.

"...Princess?"

"Hm?"

"What was it like, when you died?" His hand grips her tightly, neither in a comforting nor painful way.

"Isn't that a fun question to spring on someone."

"Sorry, I just-"

"No, no it's fine." She squeezes his hand back, reassuring him that she's still here. She's still alive ( _even though she never died in the first place_ ). "It was… sudden. Something hit my head, and I blacked out."

It is a reasonable lie, one that is necessary even if she hates telling it. She has to do it, to protect her identity as Ladybug, to keep up this superhero farce. Sometimes she wishes that Tikki had chosen someone else to be Ladybug.

"Did it hurt?" She feels his gloved hand ghost the side of her head, but she makes no move to look at him.

"A little, yeah."

"Was it… scary?"

"Dying? No. I didn't even realize it happened." She thinks back to when she came back to school, sitting at her desk all alone, waiting for the first of the students to arrive. She remembers Alya's face, how she changed from distraught to surprised, and then to relieved as she tackled Marinette, burying her face against her jacket and sobbing out loud. She remembers being crowded by everyone, being engulfed by their hugs and cries, and she remembers Adrien, hugging her like his life depended on it, and how happy and relieved he was to see her.

She remembers crying, because the guilt she felt was too much, and everyone was trying to reassure her, that she was okay and safe and ALIVE but she was always alive, had always BEEN alive, it was just that she was alive as Ladybug and no one else, not even herself.

She remembers feeling like she didn't deserve their concern. Their love for her. All she did was trick them in the cruelest way possible, pretending to be dead when really, she was alive and well.

Sometimes she hated being Ladybug, because Ladybug couldn't wipe away their tears. All she could do was find and purify akumas. But even then, sometimes the lasting damage is too much for her own power to fix.

"Marinette?" She feels a finger wiping away her tears, and she looks over to Chat to find his brows furrowed together in concern. Ah, that's right.

She especially didn't deserve the care and concern of Chat. Perhaps, out of everyone else, she had hurt him the most, both as Marinette and as Ladybug.

"Sorry, I just… I guess waking up alone, that was scary. I didn't know what was happening, or going to happen, so…" He hugs her tightly, and the guilt in her chest worsens. She really doesn't deserve to even call him a friend. What has Marinette ever done to deserve his compassion?

"It's okay, Marinette. As long as I'm around, you won't ever be alone again. I promise." This makes her cry harder, and so she weeps into his shoulder because god, how could he be so good to her?

"I'm sorry."

 _I should have done better._

"There's nothing for you to apologize for."

 _I made you cry too._

"I'm sorry for making you worry like that."

 _I don't deserve you._

"It wasn't your fault."

 _I'm no good as Marinette or Ladybug._

"Yes it is!"

 _I'm no hero._

"Don't say that." He pulls away just enough so that he could see her face. She hiccups and tries to apologize again, but he gently presses his fingers to her lips and shakes his head. "It wasn't your fault, okay? There was… you were just another victim. There was nothing you could have done. If anything, I should be the one apologizing."

"No!" She shakes her head furiously. "It wasn't!"

"I wasn't there."

"Y-you, maybe you were busy with something else and-"

"That doesn't change the fact that I wasn't there." He looks her steady in the eyes, as though daring her to say anything else. She bites her lip, but looks defiantly at him. There's his own guilt in his eyes, guilt that she sees every time he comes to visit, every time he comes to check up on her.

His guilt, it's different from hers, but she sees it reflected in all the actions and words that come from him. It's why he's so protective now, why he goes out of his way to make sure that she's okay.

He feels responsible for her "death".

He didn't know. He couldn't have known.

She wishes she could have told him.

But she can't.

So she hugs him tightly, like he did to her, and she hopes that it conveys her message just enough.

 _Marinette is Ladybug. Please, stop worrying for me._

"I won't ever blame you, Chat."

 _Please._

He laughs humorlessly.

"I wish you would."

"I'm sorry."

 _I'm sorry._

* * *

 **A/N: Don't worry, this isn't the end of the fic. Still have a chapter to go.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This took way too long. My only excuse is that it was legit super hard to write this chapter. And that's probs not even a good one LOL. HAPPY NEW YEAR.**

* * *

She sits on the Eiffel Tower, too tired to move, too exhausted to stay. Of course, going back to being a hero wasn't always fun, especially with the rain pouring down as it was now. At the very least, feeling cold and wet seems like a good enough punishment for herself. Hell, if she could get sick, it'd be even better. She wouldn't have to go to school and face her classmates yet again.

They all treated her like she was some resurrected saint, and to be honest, it was really starting to drain her sanity. At the very least, she could depend on Chloe to be a ever-so-present jerk. Even if it pained her to say it, she was really relieved that at least one person was treating her badly.

Like she deserved.

Maybe Chloe could tell that Marinette wasn't all that good. She almost laughs out loud at the thought. It's come to a point where she even puts herself down low enough to meet Chloe's standards of terrible. God, when had everything gotten so bad?

A soft padding of footsteps detaches her from her thoughts, and an umbrella is held over her head. She barely moves her head up enough to see that it's Chat holding the umbrella over her, letting himself be soaked in her place. She sighs.

"Ladybug."

"Chat."

"Why are you out in the rain? You'll get sick." She laughs.

"Shouldn't that be the last of your worries?"

"On the contrary, it's one of my top concerns at the moment."

"You really shouldn't have."

"But I think I really should have."

"You're going to get sick."

"Then that makes two of us." He smiles and sits down next to her, her partner holding the umbrella between the two of them. The pattering of the rain resounds in a comforting way, filling up the silence between them as she looks over her beloved Paris. How she tries so desperately to protect it and her precious, loved ones. And yet, she still manages to hurt them all.

She sighs yet again.

"Ladybug, what's on your mind?"

"It's… It's nothing."

"...Right."

They return to silence, and she prays that they stay that way. That is, until he speaks up again.

"You're upset."

"Huh?"

"You're upset about the whole… Marinette thing, aren't you?" She hugs her knees close to her chest and doesn't respond, knowing full well that he can interpret her actions well enough now. "Look, I… I wasn't the nicest that day. I was upset too, and, I didn't realize that you had to make some sacrifices. That, you can't always save everyone. And, I didn't consider your feelings that day, and I'm sorry, so please, _please_ , can you please talk to me again?" Sniffles respond to him instead, and Chat moves closer, jostling the umbrella a bit and allowing the rain to splatter by her feet. "Ladybug?"

"You stopped."

"Huh?"

"You stopped calling me, 'My Lady'."

Silence.

She wasn't sure if she wanted it to stay that way this time.

"...L-Ladybug."

"I'm not mad." She says it quickly, keeping her gaze firmly on the scenery. "I'm not…I'm not mad. It's just…"

"What is it?" He's quiet and soft, like he's talking to a skittish kitten, and honestly, she really does feel the impulse to just swing away and not have this conversation. But he's here, it's raining, and he was even nice enough to bring along an umbrella. He really does know her pretty well.

Well, not well _enough_.

"Do you… do you still like being my partner?" He goes silent, and she's really, REALLY starting to hate the silence. So to make it go away, she fills it with her own bumbling voice. "I-I mean, I know you don't have much of a choice, since we've pretty much been forced to work together since we met, a-and I know that we work great together, b-but, well, you know, s-sometimes working good together doesn't always mean you work GOOD together, right? I mean, not in THAT sense, but more like, you can't work _together_ together, like, you don't mesh that good no more a-and-" She can hear her stuttering and mess of logic, and it sounds too much like Marinette, and oh god, she's losing her _cool_ , she's _nothing like Ladybug anymore_.

She's Marinette.

She's Ladybug.

She's Marinette?

Ladybug?

Who is she anymore?

Can Chat tell? Can he see Marinette breaking through her Ladybug facade? Can he see the truth?

He can't know the truth. He _can't_ because if he found out, then he'd know that she _lied_ to him, to Alya, to her parents, to all of Paris, and she honestly can't _take that kind of pain_.

She feels his hands on her shoulders, he's shaking her but she doesn't _care_ because all she can hear is her words and the rain, and it's raining all over the two of them, she could be crying, he could be crying, but would either of them really know?

They hardly know each other anyways, even if they know each other's patterns and habits and quirks, that's only them as they are _now_. As superheroes that Paris looks up to, but right now, she's not sure she can handle that burden anymore. All she knows is that there's the faint sound of Chat's voice, and she wonders if she's heard a similar voice before, but no, she shuts it out, pushes the thought away because the last thing she needs to think about is who he _could_ be, and how she _hurt him_.

Because Chat doesn't know she's Marinette.

Because Chat doesn't know that Ladybug and Marinette are the same person.

And all she can do is blabber and blubber on and on, and if this keeps up, how does _she_ tell the difference between Marinette and Ladybug?

All she can hear is her stumbling and confusion, words continuing to spew out of her brain like it's the last resort, but she can't stop talking and nothing is making sense- why does Chat even _like her_ does he even like her anymore? Are they even friends anymore? She thinks and thinks and it's this tightness in her chest because she's scared, so so scared, and she can't tell if she's scared as Marinette or as Ladybug, hell, is there even a difference anymore? What's she even scared about? So many things, so so many things and she thinks that Chat is at the center of it all, because now he's always there when she's Marinette, and he's always been there when she's Ladybug, and suddenly, suddenly she's _scared out of her mind_.

Because if he knows the truth, he'll leave her no matter who she is.

Because losing Chat, the one and only constant in both her lives, is _terrifying_.

"-Ladybug! LADYBUG!" His voice breaks through the walls of words she's built around herself in desperation, her thoughts caving in around her as she wants so badly to lose herself to her self-loathing and fear because those are the only things that _make sense anymore_ and she just wants it all to _stop_ , but Chat, her faithful, faithful companion who she never, ever deserved, who deserved more than the media and Paris ever gave him credit for, he's still here, and his voice is loud and in her ear, and it's only then that she realizes that her voice has reached a point in hysteria that only Marinette would normally reach. "Ladybug, listen to me!" Her breathing hitches to a stop, and her shoulders are shaking by their own volition, not because Chat was shaking her.

"Ch-Chat?"

"Yeah, yeah that's me." He breathes a sigh of relief and pulls her against his chest. "You can hear me now. It's okay, Ladybug." Denial runs through her mind, because she knows everything is NOT okay, and she wants nothing more but to hide herself away from Chat, away from Paris and the world and never again be involved with the double-life business because quite frankly, it _sucks_.

"Is it? Is it really?" Her voice breaks, either because of her previous hysteric abuse of it, or because she's probably crying, but luckily, the rain is kind enough to hide that fact pretty well. "Are things really okay?"

"You're… The Marinette incident really messed you up, didn't it?" She responds with a broken laugh, because god that isn't even the half of it.

"I l-... lost your t-trust, Chat." His grip on her tightens, and she wonders vaguely if he feels bad for that moment where he was angry and mistrusting of her that one night, and of course, she can't blame him for being a normal human. She can't even get mad at him for being Chat, her loyal and kind and funny and sweet Chat.

"...I'm-"

"Please. Please don't apologize." _Because why should he when there was nothing he could have done?_ "You didn't- you didn't do anything _wrong_."

"Ladybug, please if I had _been_ there I could have-"

"But you weren't because you can't be there for everything all the time." She thinks and remembers how Marinette had to save the day, when Ladybug was out of commission and she couldn't use her superpowers. It's hard, because superheroes are expected to be everywhere at once, but that's just so physically impossible, she should know better than anyone just how hard it is.

She knows better than anyone that she shouldn't have blamed him for not being there, because even if he had been, Marinette was already Ladybug.

The only thing that would change would be the absolute result of Chat blaming himself more than ever, because Marinette _still_ would have "died" in that explosion.

There is just no way around it.

She wonders if she should have let them reveal each other's secret identities to each other earlier on.

"...Ladybug." She wipes her face, not knowing if it was the rain or her own tears, before looking up at Chat's pained expression. "I… What kind of partner would I be if I wasn't around all the time?"

"Chat, even I'm not around all the time, and I'm Ladybug!" Her arms wrap around herself in frustration, her eyes turned back to the landscape as her partner sputters besides her. "I can't put you at that level when even _I_ can't manage that."

"...But, we're superheroes!"

"I know! But we're… we're kids too, Chat!" Her voice breaks, because she's tired, so so tired of living this hell of a double life, of pretending that everything will work out when it almost hadn't. "We have lives other than this… _costume_ we put on, than this whole hero worshipping thing that Paris has out for us. The only reason we do this is because _we're_ the only ones who can protect Paris! I _love_ Paris and the people here, but sometimes, it just gets too much and the expectations become too much, and when you fail to save _one_ person it- it all goes to hell and suddenly the people who trusted you start to look down on you and it _hurts_ because you're just a kid- I'M just a kid Chat, I tried, okay? I really, really, tried!"

"Ladybug, I… I'm sorry. I know I made it harder for you on that day, and, I was just…" He was just being human, she knows that. But he gently grabs her face and turns her to look at him, and she sees the soft kindness in his eyes, the sweet part of him that was always there even when he was being annoyingly flirty, and she can't help but relent to his hold. He sighs softly and keeps her turned towards him. "I was being stupid and rash, and I know it's difficult. I know you're trying, and I'm trying, we're BOTH trying, and sometimes it doesn't always work out, but, please, stop beating yourself up about it. I… I forgive you. I should have trusted you that day, to know that you had a plan, because you ALWAYS have a plan, and that you wouldn't have let Marinette just… die like that. So, I've forgiven you, and I get it now so please, stop doing this to yourself. The patrols aren't even half as fun without the normal you." She almost wants to laugh at his comment because god, what even is her normal self? But she places her hands over his, because his touch is nice and reassuring, but it doesn't help to fight back the guilt in her chest. He doesn't know, and she hopes he'll never know for the longest time the true reason she can't forgive herself. So she looks down and holds tight to his hands, trying her best not to cry since the two of them are already soaked and ready for a cold anyways so why add more distress to their systems?

"I… I can't, Chat. Not now, not for a long time. I can't just, forgive myself just like that. It's… it's hard to explain."

"That's okay. We can just, talk it out and stuff."

"...in the rain?"

"Yeah." He puts down his hands and picks up the forgotten umbrella, holding it over their heads and protecting them from the offending downpour. "I think we should be good now." She gives a small smile, her hands holding tightly to her yoyo.

"Yeah."

"So… Why can't you forgive yourself?"

"It's just… It's hard to. I've hurt so many people in one day, and I'm sure some of them are starting to doubt me… But, more than that, it's just… hard now. Trying to deal with both sides of my life."

"What do you mean?" She squeezes the yoyo and bites her lip. It's hard to explain to him without revealing the fact that she's Marinette, so she goes for the next best thing.

"It's like… I have to pretend that I'm feeling a certain way, or that I experienced a certain thing even though I didn't, because I was out fighting the akumas, and, at the same time, people talk about how Ladybug almost failed to save a life, and it's like, they sort of expect me to doubt myself, and so then, I have to fake one thing over another, and I was someplace when I really wasn't, and usually it's easier to do because, well, I've done it before. But this time… It's hard to pretend I have an alibi because... " _Because I have to pretend that I was dead_. "...It's just difficult to."

"Uh…" Chat looks down, his face scrunched up in concentration as he tries to parse through her jumble of words, trying to make sense of it all. "So… You're saying that it's hard to pretend to be a civilian… When you know the truth about what happened?"

"Or, what could have happened."

"Ladybug, you tried your best."

"But what if my best wasn't enough? What if…" _What if I thought for a second, that it'd be easier to let Marinette stay dead? What if I just gave up and let Ladybug disappear too?_ "What if it all went sour? What would you do? Would you still want to be my partner? Would you blame me for her death?" A sort of bitterness wells up in her, and she grips her yoyo hard enough that she wishes it breaks. "What then? What would you do, Chat?" She expects him to curl away, to be hurt and confused and maybe, just maybe, he'll give her space and leave her alone but instead, he leans forward and gently removes her hand from the yoyo, making her unclench her fingers and slowly smoothing them over his own hand.

"...It's hard, to come up with answers to those questions. And, you're going through a hard time too, so, I can't really blame you for acting like this. How long have you been bottling this up?" She doesn't answer, but instead grips his hand tightly, and instead of wanting to break his hand like her yoyo, she wants instead to feel the reassurance he always seems to radiate whenever she's feeling down on her luck.

She finds it funny how the black cat always manages to help her find her luck again.

"...I'm gonna take that as a really long time then." He squeezes back, and the reassurance washes over her gently. "I'm sorry for not noticing earlier. I guess, for me, being a superhero lets me be… me. But I guess it's not that easy for you. Maybe, there's a way to make it easier for you? Like, maybe relieve some of that double identity stress?"

"Huh?" She looks at him with some confusion, but a small feeling of dread begins to chill her chest more than the cold weather.

"I mean… I know you said it wouldn't be a good idea before to reveal ourselves to each other, mostly because it'll be safer if we didn't know each other? And that, it'd be less likely for us to slip up around each other and reveal each other's identities to others by accident, but, I think now, it might help you ease that burden of having your secret identity?" He looks at her with a hopeful smile, and it only serves to make the dread and fear overtake her completely. It must have shown on her face, as his smile completely drops off and he begins to quickly explain himself. "I-I mean, it'll just be easier for the both of us, right? We'd know where each other was, and we could help each other with our alibis, and we could talk about plans in private, o-or even just hang out as normal friends? And, you know, we wouldn't have to worry so much about our civilian selves, because we'd know where they were and stuff! And then-"

"No!" It comes out like a bark, and she covers her mouth quickly, jerking her hand away from Chat's and looking away from the hurt that's finally appeared on his face. She shakes her head and curls her hands against the sides of her head. "We can't! Chat, we can't!"

"B-But, Ladybug! It'll be so much easier for us-"

"But what if you don't like what you learn?" She can feel the fear snaking up around her throat, constricting it and making it harder for her to breathe, because if he knew, _if he knew she was Marinette, what would she do?_ "What if it just makes you hate me?"

"I won't hate you, Ladybug!"

"But what if you hate what you learn? What if you regret ever asking?" She can't let him know, she can't she can't she can't he'll _hate her_ she just _knows this_.

"Ladybug, please just trust me on this-"

"Chat, it isn't that simple!" Because they weren't just talking about revealing their real selves and the small lies they've told one another. It was revealing the biggest lie she's told to him, to everyone in Paris, and revealing that all that drama and pain and weeping were all for naught, that Marinette had been alive all this time and she didn't even let them know. That she played them like puppets on a string, believing that she had no control over everything when really, she just allowed them to believe that she was dead.

She could have stopped and de-transformed back into Marinette and reassured them, but she didn't. She made them grieve over someone who was still alive and acted as though she didn't care. She could have eased their fears and suffering, but she just allowed it to continue without a second thought.

She allowed her partner to be distraught and upset and offered him no comfort in return. Instead, she got upset and defensive, and how would that help her case once he found out?

He'd leave her, angry, hurt, pained, betrayed.

And she's so scared to lose him, even if she does deserve it.

What she did was unforgivable, and she can't let him know. Not yet, she wasn't ready yet. She wasn't ready to face the world alone without him; she still needed and depended on him, and once he leaves, what could she do?

He was…

He was one of her closest friends.

She didn't want to lose him.

"You can't know, n-not, not yet, please Chat, I'm begging you…" The tears came back, and she couldn't help but feel pathetic over this. She felt like a childish brat. Of course he wanted to know, he DESERVED to know, but she was too scared to let him in just to have him leave in a fury.

"Ladybug, please, you have to trust me, I won't- I won't get upset and, I'll understand better about what you're going through so, just, please, _please_ trust me with this. Please, Ladybug." He gently takes her hands in his and she knows that she doesn't deserve his kindness, his patience and trust and care. But she's scared, so scared can't he see that? Can't he see how much she doesn't want to lose him?

"You don't get it, Chat i-it's hard, I can't just tell you, not now, please not now!" It's selfish, wanting to keep this secret until everything blows over. Until Marinette's "death" is nothing but a faint bad taste that no one thinks about anymore. At least, that's how badly she wants to believe that her faked death is all that it will boil down to. Nothing but a faint, bad memory.

"But why? Why won't you just tell me?" His voice is pained, strained as though he's forcing himself not to start crying, because god knows that what they both don't need right now is both of them feeling pathetic.

"Because I don't want you to hate me!" It comes out in a rush, the words leaving her lips before she even realizes she said it. The grip on her hands weakens from shock, and it's enough for her to pull back, to curl in on herself to keep from blurting out anymore.

"...what?"

"I should go."

"Ladybug, wait!" Before she can even get up, his hands firmly keep her in place. "Wait, okay? Let's, let's just talk this out for a bit, alright?"

"Chat, I don't know…"

"Then just, listen to me, please?"

"..."

"Just for a little bit, and then you can go off and do whatever you'd like. But for now, just let me say my piece, okay? Please, my lady?" When she hears the nickname return, she can't help but relax slightly, her form slumping as she nods in resignation. He lets out a sigh, and his grip slowly releases her. "...I don't know what secret you're hiding, but, whatever it is, I won't hate you for it."

"...you don't know that."

"And neither do you." His reply gives forces her thoughts to a halt. Did she actually know if he'd react like that? Her kind, silly partner, hating her because of what she'd done? There was no way he wouldn't react negatively, but would he really hate her for what she had done?

Maybe she was just trying to shift the guilt around, to keep it buried even more without having it come up again. Was that it? What did she really want?

What was she really scared of?

"...I… Chat, I just, I don't- I don't know what will happen when it comes out. It's just- It's scary, and unpredictable, and it's something I can't depend on luck for, and I don't want things to go badly because of it." The words come out shaky and soft, her hands trembling as she opens up, just a bit. "I… I trust you, I really do, but, this isn't a little, little thing, you know? It's big, bigger than you can imagine and... " She takes a deep breath, steadying herself before continuing. "It's not something that can be fixed easily. It's like, once I tell you, I might instead betray YOUR trust instead. It's not like, it's not JUST revealing our identities or anything like that. It's BIGGER than that, Chat. It's revealing our secrets with our identities. It's figuring out one thing over another, and realizing that some things just aren't what they looked like before. And it's scary to think about."

"...Ladybug, I-"

"And more than anything, I don't want to lose you, or your trust, and I can't trust myself yet to reveal it. Not now. Just, I'm not ready for what happens next."

"My lady," he takes her hands gently, squeezing them to reassure her, comfort her in some way, "you will never lose me. I promise you that. Whatever it is, this big secret that will come out if you tell me who you really are… I won't judge you for that. No matter what." He smiles, and she almost cries because that's all she can ever do today. But, she wants that to change, so she bites her lip to keep from crying. Chat raises a finger and brushes away the almost tears, because of course he can see them, and she ends up crying, but it's soft, and quiet, and she feels a bit of relief from letting them come out. "We're both kids here. And, I won't blame you for whatever it was that you did. I'll do my best to be understanding, and supportive, and I'll still be your Chat."

"Chat… I…" He leans forward to hug her, and she wraps her arms around him, tight and strong, refusing to let go for a second. She needs this. He needs this. After everything they went through, they both need this.

"I get it if you don't want to reveal your identity right now. That's okay. I won't push anymore, alright?" She nods against his shoulder, her grip unrelenting as she can feel the warmth radiating from him. Had she always felt this cold?

"Okay."

"I'll wait, for however long it takes."

"Okay."

"It'll be okay."

"Okay."

Neither of them moves. The rain lessens to a gentle drizzle, the Paris night revealing itself slowly as the moonbeams shine down through the slowly drifting rain clouds, a gentle kind of light that blankets over the two heroes as they sit on the tower. They were both soaking wet, and were more than likely to get sick at this point, but really, all she cared about was spending just a little more time with Chat.

She can finally feel warm and light again.

"Chat?"

"Yes, my lady?"

"You're my favorite cat."

"Haha, and you're my favorite little bug."

She closes her eyes. She'll tell him someday. When she's ready, and everyone has healed from that terrible, terrible day, she'll be able to gather up her courage and tell him who she really is.

She won't ever lose him.

And he won't ever have to worry about losing her again.

* * *

 **A/N: Want a better way at kicking my ass into gear? Visit my writing blog, jubilantwriter at tumblr dot com and kick my ass to kingdom come so I don't make you guys wait hALF A YEAR FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER IT PROBABLY WASN'T EVEN THAT GOOD I'M SORRY**


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